An apology to my second child, before you are born.
In a month or so, you will take your first breath. It will be a crazy and wonderful moment; one that will be seared in my memory as I see your face for the first time. I am really looking forward to it. But I also just want to say “Sorry” in advance.
With the anticipation of your arrival, I feel a twinge of guilt because you are the second child. I wonder how I am going to be able to love and care for you as I did for you sister.
She, being the first, had all my attention. Even before she was born, I was able to focus on her. I took time to go to prenatal Yoga every week, I rested when I wanted to; we had the nursery ready and pristine months before she arrived, attended prenatal classes and even had the hospital bag packed by now.
This time around, I’ve had no time for yoga or any preparation exercises. The nursery is mess (but at least your sister has moved out and is in her ‘big girl’s room’). There are toys to be sorted and piles of your sisters clothes that no longer fit her. (Had we found out if you are a boy or a girl, sorting these clothes would be a lot easier!) I have not prepared the small diapers for your arrival. I HOPE to go buy a few more diaper covers since the last one lost their waterproofing. I think I might make it to the store on Friday.
Most of all, thought, baby, I’m exhausted in a way that I don’t remember being the first time around. And it makes me wonder how I am going to even get through the birth much less the crazy first 2 weeks. I was in awe, the first time around, how my body managed to just do what needed to be done. This time, I’m worried I will break, mentally and physically, and I won’t be able to properly care for you.
Even if I manage, mentally and physically, there is the simple fact that my attention this time around will be divided. You are the second which means there’s another little human in my life who depends on me. She’s three years old so at least I won’t be changing her diapers, too. But, she still demands my attention. She still wants to cling to me when she’s tired. She probably won’t play quietly on her own while we have our 10am nap together (which I so loved with her). She may even start acting out in jealousy despite how much she already loves you and wants to hug you. (Your silly sister will ask to look “see the baby”, pull up my shirt and look at my bare belly and say “Oh what a cute little baby!” She snuggles and kisses you/my belly every morning. She is soooooo excited to meet you. )
But, I will do my best to give you the attention you need and, most of all, to cherish your moments the way I did with your sister. I’m telling myself that, by the time either of you form any lasting memories, it will have always been the two of you, together. You won’t remember the times when I had to see to your sister first because she, being 3, could cause much more damage than an immobile newborn.
I’m sorry if you look back on the photos and see far more photos of your sister as a baby than you. I’m sorry, in advance, if I don’t get around to a special pregnancy shoot for you in my belly or a newborn shoot for you ( I barely got that one in for your sister!)
I’m sorry if we don’t get to travel as much as we did with your sister. We didn’t have to pay for her tickets, for the most part. Travel with 2 children, one of whom we have to pay for now, will be a harder to budget for.
Know that it’s not because we love you less, it’s simply a reality of being the second child.
Know this: I will do my best and I will love you forever and ever.
I’m looking forward to meeting you, Baby