The Airing of Grievances! Middle-Aged Mom with Teenagers Edition...

Festivus is the holiday for people who find Christmas a lot.
Too many parties. Too many emails. Too many opinions about whether artificial trees are “sad.”

Celebrated on December 23, Festivus is best known as the anti-holiday. No carols. No ugly sweaters. No pretending you’re thrilled to receive another candle that smells like “winter cabin regret.”

Instead, Festivus traditions include:

RELATED: Happy Festivus!

• The Aluminum Pole
  No decorations. No tinsel. Just a plain, emotionless pole. Very minimalist. Very. “I bought this at Canadian Tire five minutes ago.”
  
• The Airing of Grievances
  A formal time to tell everyone exactly how they’ve disappointed you this year. Honestly? Hugely efficient. Canada could save weeks of passive-aggressive silence by adopting this.
  
• Feats of Strength
  Traditionally, wrestling the head of the household. In Canada, this often means: Festivus isn’t about joy. It’s about honesty and possibly wine!

The Airing of Grievances! Middle-Aged Mom with Teenagers Edition...

I have a lot of problems with you people.
And by you people, I mean the people I drove to hockey, paid for braces, and birthed with zero gratitude.

Let’s begin.

1. Teenagers who ask “What’s for dinner?” while staring directly into the fridge.
   It’s food.
   It’s always food.
   I did not secretly convert the fridge into a museum.
   
2. The phrase “I’ll do it later.”
   Later is not a time.
   Later is a concept.
   Later is how civilizations fall.
   

3. Whoever keeps leaving one sock.
   Not a pair.
   One.
   A single, lonely sock.
   Like a metaphor for my sanity.
   
4. The grocery bill.
   I used to budget.
   Now I just whisper “Jesus take the wheel” at the checkout.
   
   
5. Teenagers who are “starving” but refuse leftovers.
   So you’re not starving.
   You’re bored and judgmental.
   

6. The amount of laundry produced by people who barely wear clothes.
   Explain it.
   With charts.
   

7. Teenagers who suddenly care about nutrition when I cook.
   “Is this healthy?”
   Where was this concern during the Doritos phase?
   
   
8. The idea that moms “don’t need gifts.”
   I need gifts.
   I need naps.
   I need sex-just not with your father…LOL
   
   
9. The phrase “Can you remind me?”
   I am not Siri.
   I am exhausted.
   
   
10. Everyone who says, “Enjoy every moment.”
    I am enjoying several moments.
    Not all of them. Let me live.