Things in Your House Most Likely to Attack You When You’re Drunk

Let’s be honest — when you’ve had a few too many, your house turns into a full-blown obstacle course. A new study looked at thousands of ER visits to find out what exactly is trying to kill us when we stumble home after a night out.

RELATED: THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE HAS 546 WORDS FOR “DRUNK”

Here’s the leaderboard of household hazards when you’re tipsy:

🥇 Stairs – 17% (the final boss of drunk injuries)
🥈 Floors – 13% (because gravity is undefeated)
🥉 Bicycles – 10% (why are you riding it indoors?)
🏠 Ceilings & walls – 4% (they just… appear)
🪟 Windows – 3%
🛏️ Beds – 3% (yes, even napping can hurt you)
🏡 Porches & balconies – 2%
🍽️ Tables – 2%
🪑 Chairs – 2%
🛁 Bathtubs or showers – 2%
🚧 Fences – 2%
🍾 Alcohol bottles – 2% (the circle of life)

Apparently, 70% of all drunk injuries happen to men, which makes sense if you’ve ever seen a guy try to “parkour” over the couch after three beers.

The only body part women are more likely to injure? You guessed it — the groin region (we’ll just… leave that there).

Not surprisingly, Friday through Sunday are peak danger days, while Tuesday is the least risky — probably because no one’s doing tequila shots on a Tuesday.

🍻 Moral of the story: Stay hydrated, wear socks with grip, and avoid eye contact with the stairs after midnight.