Instead of Dry January, I’m Trying…These!

Dry January sounds cute on a vision board. In reality, it is a hostile suggestion for a menopausal mom living with teenagers.

January is already the month where the decorations come down, the credit card statements come out, and the teens emerge from their bedrooms only to ask what’s for dinner and why it isn’t exactly what they wanted.

Add fluctuating hormones, night sweats that feel like a personal attack, and kids who communicate exclusively in sighs and eye rolls… and suddenly wine stops being a “drink” and starts being equipment.

Dry January assumes a calm household, stable moods, and children who don’t slam doors like they’re auditioning for a true crime reenactment. It ignores the fact that menopause turns your internal thermostat into a haunted house, while teenagers test your patience the way toddlers test gravity.

In theory, Dry January is about self-control, clarity, and renewal.
In practice, it’s a bold experiment that asks one woman to raw-dog winter, hormones, and adolescent attitude without backup.

And honestly? That feels less like wellness and more like a cry for help. 🍷

Instead of Dry January, I’m Trying…These!

Lie January
It’s where you aggressively seek opportunities to lie down. Couch. Bed. Floor. Back seat of the car. If you’re horizontal, you’re winning. Bonus points if you “just rest your eyes” and wake up confused about the year.

Sigh January
Deep sighs only. At work. In the car. Opening emails. Closing emails. Every sigh is a full emotional TED Talk.

Why January
Question every decision you’ve ever made.
Why did I agree to this?
Why is this meeting an email?
Why do socks disappear but Tupperware lids multiply?

Bye January
You say no to everything.
No plans. No favours. No “quick chats.”
If it doesn’t involve sweatpants, it’s a firm, absolutely not.

Cry January
Low stakes crying only.
Commercials. Songs from 2007. Someoneis being nice to you.
Hydration counts if it comes from your eyes.

Buy January
You’re not spending, you’re coping.
Candles. Snacks. Something “on sale” you didn’t need but spiritually required.

Try January
You try to be productive.
You try to meal prep.
You try to answer texts within three business days.
Effort is the achievement.

Pie January
January is cold. Pie is warm.
This is science.

Lie Again January
You already lay down once, but honestly… You deserve another.