Things I Heard From My Teenagers During the First Week of School 🎒🙃

Back-to-school isn’t just about sharpened pencils and overpriced calculators. There is only one week until the start of the new school year; get ready! It's an exciting time for parents of littles, but for parents of the bigs, it’s about surviving the wild things that come out of your teenager’s mouth.

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Here’s what mine hit me with—all in just one week:

• “Can you pick me up, Mom? Just park where no one else can see you.” (Apparently, parental visibility is social death.)
  
• “A 50 is a pass, right?” (Academic excellence, ladies and gentlemen.)
  
• “Mom, I hit a pheasant. Not a person—the bird.” (Comforting clarification, but still… what?)
  
• “I don’t care if the Chinese steal my data… we have unlimited.” (Cybersecurity meets teenage logic.)
  
• “Mom, Oliver threw up. I put a napkin over it and left it for you.” (Truly, the circle of life.)
  
• “Can you defrost a good amount of shrimp for me, please? By 2:15… as an after-school snack.” (Excuse me? Shrimp o’clock??)
  
• “Do I need ID to buy red wine vinegar?” (At least they’re not asking for Fireball… yet.)
  
• “Get here faster, I’m outside…” (Yes, because teleportation is included in my parenting skillset.)

The Takeaway

Teenagers are basically full-time comedians who don’t know they’re comedians. You can’t make this stuff up… and even if you tried, you wouldn’t think to ask for shrimp at 2:15 sharp.