9 Reasonable Ways to Survive this Heatwave

When the air feels like soup, your thighs fuse to any surface, and your A/C is gasping like it just ran a marathon.

Here are some cheap, lazy, and only slightly unhinged ways to stay cool during this heat warning:

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1. Eat Only Popsicles

Fruit? Nope. Vegetables? Not today. You’re on a strict popsicle-only diet now. Breakfast? Rocket pop. Lunch? Creamsicle. Dinner? Whatever’s at the bottom of the box and vaguely icy.*

* Also works with ice cream.

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2. Water Balloon Fight… With No Survivors

Fill ‘em and go full chaos mode. Bonus points if you ambush your spouse while they’re on a work call. It’s called balance.

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3. DIY Personal Air Conditioning

No central air? No problem. Just place a bowl of ice in front of your fan and pretend you're in the Bahamas. Ignore the puddle forming on your floor—that’s future-you’s problem.

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4. Lie on the Kitchen Tile Like Your Dog

Honestly, dogs have it figured out. No bills, no responsibilities, just full belly flop on the cold tile. Go ahead, give it a try. The kids already think you’re weird.

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5. Turn the Kiddie Pool Into Your New Office

Who says Zoom meetings can’t happen from a foot of hose water and Goldfish cracker crumbs? Set up shop, grab a lawn chair, and wave to your neighbours like you’ve got it all together.

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6. Don’t Move. Like, at All.

Think of it as “heatwave hibernation.” No cooking. No laundry. Minimal parenting. If it involves motion, it’s cancelled. You’re officially a houseplant—just hydrate and sit by the window.

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7. Freeze Literally Everything

Juice boxes. Washcloths. That one weird teething ring from 2019. Anything that fits in the freezer becomes a cooling tool. Desperate times, folks.

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8. Set Your Clothes to “Laundry Day Chic”

If you wouldn’t wear it to Walmart at midnight, it’s perfect. Loose, breathable, and possibly wet. Style tip: matching is optional.

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9. Watch Christmas Movies and Pretend

Crank the fan, grab a blanket (for the illusion), and throw on Home Alone. It won’t actually cool you down, but mentally? You’ll feel 10% less like a microwaved hot dog.

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Final Thought:
Listen, we may be sweaty, slightly sunburnt, and slowly losing our minds—but we’re in this together. And if all else fails, there’s always the freezer aisle at the grocery store. No one will blame you.