How I’ve Managed to Annoy My Teenagers This Summer

Summer is supposed to be about family bonding, sunshine, and maybe a road trip where everyone pretends to enjoy camping. But in reality? It’s mostly me discovering new and creative ways to irritate my teenager just by existing. Here’s a running list of my crimes:

1. I Said “Good Morning”

Apparently, acknowledging their presence before 11 a.m. is basically child abuse. If I dare to say it with any sort of cheer in my voice, I may as well be singing the national anthem through a megaphone at their bedside.

2. I Randomly Sing 90s Songs

Look, if “Spice Up Your Life” comes on, I will spice up my life. Tragically, my teen thinks the 90s are “ancient history” — which is rich coming from someone who can’t tell the difference between a VHS tape and a brick.

3. I Said “I Love You” in Public

The horror. The audacity. How dare I show affection in the Tim Hortons parking lot like some kind of unhinged Hallmark card?

4. I Used Them in a Social Media Post

It was a cute photo! They looked good! But apparently, posting a smiling picture of them is “ruining their life.” Meanwhile, I had to beg them to take it in the first place.

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5. I Asked Too Many Questions

Classic parental mistake. Questions like “Where are you going?” or “When will you be home?” apparently translate to: “I don’t trust you, I want to monitor your every move, and I may also track your phone like a wannabe FBI agent.”

6. I Asked Them to Take a Picture With Me

Family memories? Gross. Smile? Never. Honestly, I should probably be arrested for even suggesting a selfie.

7. I Asked Him to Get a Haircut (For the Last Two Months)

His hair now has its own postal code. If it gets any longer, I’m worried Parks Canada might classify it as a protected forest.

8. I Breathed

My biggest crime of all: existing in his general vicinity. Every sigh, every sneeze, every inhale is apparently a personal attack on his peace.

So, in conclusion: if you’re parenting a teenager, the best way to stay on their good side is to simply not. Don’t speak, don’t ask, don’t sing… and for heaven’s sake, don’t breathe too loud.

Because in their eyes, we’re basically just walking, talking cringe machines in Costco sneakers.