The Next Pope Might Be Revealed This Week—And Honestly, It’s Giving Gender Reveal Energy

Get ready, because the Catholic Church is about to do the most dramatic reveal of all time—and no, it doesn’t involve balloons, confetti cannons, or forest fires.

This week, senior members of the Catholic Church are gathering in Rome for what they call a conclave—a locked-room voting marathon where 135 cardinals pick the next pope. Think of it like Big Brother: Vatican Edition, but instead of eviction votes, they're casting ballots to choose the future spiritual leader of over a billion people. No pressure.

The OG Smoke Signal Party

Here’s where it gets weirdly theatrical. Once the cardinals start voting, you won’t hear anything from them directly. Smoke signals are the only way we will know what’s going on. Yes, actual smoke.

They’ve already installed a special chimney on top of the Sistine Chapel, and after each round of voting, the ballots are tossed into a stove.

If black smoke appears, that means no decision yet—keep the holy snacks coming. But if you see white smoke? That’s the Vatican equivalent of popping a balloon and yelling, “It’s a boy!” (Spoiler alert: it always is.)

Unfortunately, there will be no pink smoke, because women still can’t be priests, let alone the Pope. (Insert heavy sigh here.)

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No Fireworks, Please

Don’t worry—unlike certain backyard parties gone wrong, this ancient tradition isn’t likely to burn down any forests. And while there’s no Jeff Probst to read the final ballot, the drama is real.

So if you see crowds cheering in St. Peter’s Square and white smoke floating into the Roman sky this week, just know: it’s not a reveal party for Baby Giovanni. It’s the arrival of the next pope—hopefully with a flair for fashion and some progressive ideas. One can dream.