We do this every year, why?

There are a lot of traditions this time of year.  We often do them without thinking, because we have done them since we were children.  They help us re-live the magic that Christmas held for us years ago.  This is fine.  I’m not saying we should stop.  But I am saying that they are dumb.

Here’s my list of things we love about Christmas time but are also dumb when you think about it!

Christmas Trees: 

You kill a tree, stick it up in your living room, cover it in glitter and watch it die.

Non-Alcoholic Eggnog

It has a whole lot of calories with absolutely no payoff.  Inefficient caloric expenditure is dangerous this time of year.  Make every calorie count.


You stress out about making 56 dozen cookies shaped like reindeer, only to receive 16 dozen additional cookies from assorted people in your life.  Then you complain about how many cookies there are in the house, and that you’re getting fat.


Instead of spending time with your family, you’re out spending time with strangers you resent, waiting in line to buy some crap your family doesn’t want.  Plus, parking lots fill you with the kind of rage that even real eggnog can’t quell.

Wrapping Paper!

You just killed more trees…


Just stare at a wreath for a while.  They start to look dumb.  Everyone gets obsessed with hanging little bits of dead plants all over their homes for Christmas: mistletoe, yule logs, Christmas trees, holly, garland, etc.  That’s kinda weird.


These are socks you hang on your wall or about your fireplace.  Think about doing that in any other context.

Polar Bears…

If it weren’t for Coca-Cola, polar bears would get the shaft during the holidays.  Polar bears are badass.  Christmas should have fewer dead plants and more polar bears.