Preventing Peeing Is My Sport, and I’m Getting REALLY Good at It! 🏆

At 25, I worried about getting pregnant. At 45, I worry about getting on a trampoline.

I go to the bathroom before leaving the house, when I arrive at the gym, and once during warm-up…And somehow, my bladder STILL has the audacity to interrupt my workout.

At this point, I’m not even working out to get in shape. I’m training my pelvic floor for the Olympics.

RELATED: To Pee or Not to Pee… Welcome to the Met Gala Hunger Games 🚽✨

My current fitness routine includes:

• Pee before leaving the house.
  
  
• Pee when I get to the gym.
  
  
• Pee during warm-up, just in case.
  
  
• Avoid jumping jacks because apparently my bladder thinks they're a fire drill.
  
  
• Never trust a sneeze. NEVER.
  
  
• Cross my legs before laughing too hard.
  
  
• Locate every bathroom in every building I enter. It's called being prepared.
  
  
• Stop drinking water two hours before an event, then wonder why I have a headache.
  
  
• Do a little test cough before attempting anything athletic.
  
  
• Wear black leggings. Not because they're slimming, but because they're forgiving.
  
  
• Consider a trampoline an extreme sport.
  
  
• Refuse to run unless something is chasing me, and even then, I'll need to assess the situation.
  
  
• Pee before getting into the car, even if the drive is only seven minutes.
  
  
• Get irrationally angry when someone says, "Let's just make one more stop."
  
  
• Never pass a bathroom without thinking, "Might as well."
  
  

My bladder and I are in a toxic relationship. It controls where we go, how long we stay, and whether I'm allowed to laugh.

And apparently, we're both full of piss and vinegar. Except one of us has trouble keeping it in.