🍸 Five Signs You’ve Just Walked into a Terrible Bar (or Maybe Your New Favourite Dive)

Sometimes you want a chic cocktail lounge with craft ice cubes, local gin, and someone named Chadwick wearing a vest.
Other times, you want a place where the floor sticks to your shoes, the jukebox only plays Bryan Adams, and the bartender calls you “hon.”

So while these might technically be red flags, they could also be green ones, depending on your mood… and how many tequila shots deep you are.

1. The Bar’s Stickier Than a Beaver Tail

If the counter could double as a lint roller, that’s not “ambience” — that’s just poor cleaning.
Dusty bottles, murky glassware, or mysterious puddles behind the bar? Big nope.
If they can’t wipe down the bar, imagine what the kitchen looks like. (Actually, don’t.)

2. The Menu Reads Like a Novel

A few signature cocktails? Cute.
Fifteen? That’s a cry for help.
When the bartender’s flipping pages like it’s a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure, chances are none of them are actually good. And if the menu includes the phrase “our take on a mojito”… run.

3. No One Greets You — Not Even a Nod

It’s not that you need a red carpet, but some acknowledgment would be nice.
Even the diviest dive bar should give a little “hey there” or a smile.
If the staff looks at you like you just interrupted their group chat, that’s a red flag — or at least a “you’re invisible” vibe.

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4. The Bartender’s Giving Main-Character Energy

There’s confidence, and then there’s ego.
If your bartender insists they’re a “mixologist” but all they’re mixing is vodka and cranberry, it’s giving drama school dropout.
Hospitality should always come before hype. (And yes, you can still be a mixologist if you pour a proper pint.)

5. They Have to Google an Old Fashioned

Look, no one’s expecting a chemistry degree here — but if they have to YouTube how to make a gin and tonic, it’s time to cut your losses.
A bartender who can’t make a Caesar without measuring it out like a science experiment? Rookie move.

🍹 Bonus Tip: The Bathroom Tells All

If the bathroom looks like a scene from a post-apocalyptic movie, that’s your cue.
A clean restroom means the place has standards. A dirty one means… you should finish your drink and leave immediately.